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charismaticace
Newbie
Posts: 0
Registered: 02-06-2016 Location:
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posted on 02-06-2016 at 07:46 |
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Should I go to a "Professional"?
First, let me tell you a little about myself. I grew up in a Christian household, and no, it wasn't one of those "if you even think about sex you'll burn in hell for all eternity" homes. In fact, sex was a very open subject, even at a young age (I grew up on a farm so the subject came up early.) Sex was taught to me not as something that was dirty or forbidden but rather as something very beautiful and special that should happen between two people (yes, two people, not just between a man and a woman) who love and care for each other very much.
I have memories as young as five or six that I would wait until I was married to have sex. I didn't know why - I guess it was more of an emotional decision - just something I was "supposed" to do. The problem was I never knew exactly why.
Then, when I was sixteen something happened. For some reason, I had taken to saying, "You're my hero" to people for very simple reasons. "Can you hand me that pen? Thanks. I ever tell you you're my hero?" It got a laugh, so I kept doing it. As springtime grew closer, I realized that my brother's class wouldn't be there the next year and I began to grow very meloncholy. One of his friends had always been very good to me. He was very popular with everyone but always said hi to me in the hallway and would talk to me. Everyone knows there is a heirarchy in high school. I will be the first to admit, I wasn't on the bottom rung - there was the bottom rung, fifty feet of crap, then me. I was picked on...by everyone...girls, guys, upperclassmen, lowerclassmen, it didn't matter. I was just the kid to make fun of. So, it felt really good to have someone in the "popular" group actually treat me like a human being. Not everyone would put their reputation of being cool on the line to do that for someone else. It was very honorable and I looked up to him for that. I thought he should know.
I finally told him how I felt, and that he was indeed someone I looked up to - he was my hero. He laughed, not out of spite but genuinely thinking I was joking. I told him I was serious, to which he replied, "But you say that to everyone else." I remember being genuinely hurt. Sure I had said that to other people, but that didn't mean anything. I was just kidding...I meant it this time. That's when I made the connection. I had always associated sex with love and when I got married, I wanted "I love you" to mean something. I figured "I love you" would mean the most if I never told anyone but my wife (verbally or sexually) "I love you."
From then on, I took pride in the fact that I was a virgin. I was a little apprehensive when I started my junior year of college and I still hadn't had a girlfriend or even a real date. But, I told myself, it didn't matter...people usually meet the love of their life around this time anyway. Well, I didn't. Had some close calls...even had the opportunity a few times to have sex (although I was so naive at the time I didn't know it. A friend of mine showed up at my dorm room at 11:00 at night saying she was scared because she had been thinking about the movie The Ring and asking if she could she stay the night with me. She probably thought I was the biggest idiot on the face of the earth when she slept in my bed and I slept on the floor.)
After I graduated I decided I would concentrate on work and if it happened, it happened. Well, it didn't happen. Luckily, being a virgin was still for want of a better word, "cute" but I began to grow concerned again as I entered my late twenties.
Now I am 33 and still a virgin (I often think of the "Black or White" parody on the show In Living Color in which they portray Michael Jackson singing "I'm still a virgin and I'm thirty-three".) To paraphrase George Costanza, at this point in my life I can't imagine a scenario where I would ever even go out on a date let alone get married to say nothing of having sex. I know it seems like I am placing sex on a very high pedestal, but it is something that is rather significant in the life of a human being. I know, at least according to science, my sexual prime is over and as I inch towards forty I am wondering if, IF I ever do have a sex life it will be as good as it could have been. I am seriously considering seeing a professional.
There are two drawbacks to this option: 1.) I can never take it back and I have the sickening feeling as soon as I do it, I'll meet the love of my life and 2.) the literal, literal life stopping, crippling, stomach turning guilt I would constantly feel - probably for the rest of my life. The reason I know I would feel that way is because I once madeout with a girl...I would even venture to go so far as to say it was dry humping - at 26 for the first time I reached "second base" and I felt so ashamed afterwards, but that didn't stop me from doing it several more times. Looking back, however, I enjoyed it. As a matter of fact, I have actually considered seeing a professional for nothing else than getting to second base (I know the base system is juvenile and I apologize).
So that's where I am right now: stuck between crippling guilt and a strong desire to explore sex...including my sexual fantasies. Any advice anyone could give on this matter would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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